For example, you want someone who will say, "I can understand why you are angry" but not someone who says "He's really scum. You should throw him out. If that's not possible, a minister or a therapist can help you through this process. Write Grief Letters. Another way to vent is to write out your feelings.
You can even write a letter to the person who hurt you. However, it's not usually a good idea to send these initial letters to the transgressor because it may not reflect the final outcome for you.
A letter format is frequently helpful in working through the anger stage of grief because it feels as if you are talking to the person and able to vent without having to regret it later.
This is also a good method for people who have trouble getting in touch with their anger. Also, you need to recognize that especially if you aren't venting the anger, you are likely to misplace it, feel generally irritable and angry, and are likely to take it out on people who haven't really done anything to you. Finally, with anger, recognize that it is okay and necessary to release the anger physically.
However, it is not okay to physically violate someone else. Therefore, find a physical release such as hitting a punching bag or breaking old pickle jars in a safe way so as not to get hurt. As you work through the anger, you should begin to come to a point of sadness. The sadness is experienced when you begin to recognize the full extent of what you have lost.
You begin to think about the good things in the relationship that you miss. You think about the shattered trust and knowing that you can never get complete trust back. Once someone has violated our trust, we can get to a point where we can continue the relationship with them, but we will forever know that they have the capacity to betray us.
During the time of sadness, you need to release those emotions just as you needed to release the anger. Again, you can write how you feel. Or you can imagine telling the person the hurt you have experienced and the loss of the relationship that grieves you.
And, of course, it is okay to cry. The grief process is a healing process. It was built into our systems to help us cope with the numerous losses we experience in life.
If we trust the process fully, we will heal. Trusting the process means allowing the feelings to be what they are, whatever they are. Feelings are never wrong or bad. What we do because of feelings can be wrong or bad, but that is a choice. The feelings themselves are not bad. Therefore, they won't hurt us. They help us in healing. If you trust this healing process, you will finally get to a point of acceptance. This is the point where decisions can be made and action can be taken.
At this point you are able to think clearly about the situation and decide what is the best course of action to take. And, of course, that action will vary depending on the person and the situation. You may decide that a continued relationship with this person can only lead to more hurt and is not worth the effort of trying to sustain a relationship. Or you may decide that there are too many good things in the relationship to give it up.
Many people ask how to know whether or not to forgive and continue with the relationship. I can give you some of the questions to consider for this issue but I can't give the answers because each person needs to determine for him or herself what is right. To want forgiveness the person has to see the behavior as wrong and not intend to engage in it any further. Did they learn from this behavior and are unlikely to do it again? However, this doesn't mean you have to continue the relationship.
This article only touches on the surface of all the emotions involved with betrayal, grief, and loss. Hopefully, however, it will give you some ideas about putting it into perspective and working through the stages of grief in order to determine what you want to do regarding the betrayal. Building Blocks Emotion Training. Hot Springs Relaxation. Panic Assistance While Driving. Autogenic Relaxation Training. Rainbow Sandbox Mindfulness.
Subscribe to Newsletter. Home Articles Apps Audios Tests. Instead of staying alert to signs of cheating, you might choose often unconsciously to ignore or overlook clues in order to safeguard your relationship and protect mental health. After a betrayal in a romantic relationship, you might find yourself dealing with ongoing trust issues and self-doubt. Even if you choose to give your partner another chance, it might take months, even years, to successfully rebuild trust.
If you dealt with childhood trauma by dissociating or blocking out what happened, your memories will eventually resurface , especially if something similar happens to trigger their return. Blocking them again may not be an option.
The route to recovery may not look the same for everyone, but these strategies can help you take the first steps. Leaning into a trauma like infidelity might seem too painful to even consider. In reality, though, acknowledging it allows you to begin exploring the reasons behind it, which can help kick off the healing process. Instead of getting trapped in an unrelenting cycle of self-doubt and self-criticism, you can begin coming to terms with underlying relationship issues, such as lack of communication or intimacy , and explore ways to resolve them.
Choosing to cheat is an unhealthy response to relationship problems. Plenty of unpleasant emotions can show up in the aftermath of betrayal. You might also feel furious, vengeful, sick, or grieved. Naturally, you might find yourself trying to avoid this distress by denying or trying to block what happened. Although hiding from painful or upsetting emotions might seem easy and safe, avoiding or masking your emotions can make it more difficult to regulate them. Putting a name to specific emotions — anger, regret, sadness, loss — can help you begin navigating them more effectively.
Greater emotional awareness, in turn, can help you begin identifying strategies to cope with those feelings more productively. Plus, once someone has betrayed your trust, you might have a hard time trusting anyone at all. Yet people need emotional support, especially during stressful times. Gossip can make a difficult situation even more painful, so you may want to save the in-depth details for your most trusted loved ones. After a partner cheats, most people need some time to decide whether to end the relationship or try repairing the damage.
A relationship therapist can offer support and guidance as you consider whether you believe rebuilding trust is possible. Trauma can be hard to confront on your own. Professional support can make a big difference in the healing process. In therapy, you can begin to acknowledge and work through a betrayal before it causes lingering distress.
Therapists trained to work with survivors of abuse and neglect can also help with unpacking long-lasting effects of childhood trauma. If you have attachment issues, for example, a therapist might help you identify underlying causes of insecure attachment and explore strategies for building more secure relationships. Most mental health experts recommend some form of couples therapy when attempting to heal a relationship after infidelity. When someone you love and trust does something to shatter the foundations of your relationship, the resulting trauma can be severe.
You can heal, though, and you might even come back stronger as you rebuild your sense of self and gain tools for developing healthy relationships.
Ready to take the first steps? When trust is broken, then someone may slide down that scale. However, there are things that we can do for trust to be repaired. See the next blog post. Also, as always, comments are welcomed and will always be responded to. Glossary FAQ Contact.
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